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LITTLE  JOURNEYS 

TOWARDS 

PARIS 

1914-1918 
A  Guide  Book  for  Confirmed  Tourists 


BY 

W.  HOHENZOLLERN 

HON.  COLONEL  DEATH'S  HEAD  HUSSARS  AND  DOCTOR  OF  SACRED  THEOLOGY 
(UNIVERSITY  OF  ESSEN) 


Fourth  Anniversary  Edition 

Translated  from  the  original  German  and  adapted  for 
the  use  of  unteutored  minds 

BY 
SIMEON  STRUNSKY 

With  map,  6  plans  of  towns,  and  numerous  moral  reflections 


NEW    YORK 

HENRY  HOLT  AND  COMPANY 
1918 


Copyright,  1918, 

BY 

HENKY  HOLT  AND  COMPANY 


Map 
Library 

D 
526.2. 


TRANSLATOR'S  PREFACE 

There  are  two  very  good  reasons  why  the 
translator  has  undertaken  the  task  of  intro- 
ducing Col.  Hohenzollern's  little  volume  to 
the  English-speaking  public. 

1.  The  author's  knowledge  of  his  subject 
is  unrivaled.     It  is  enough  to  say  that  he 
has  spent  nearly  four  years  traversing  the 
distance  from  the  German  frontier  to  the 
terminus  of  the  Nach  Paris  line.     He  has 
not  only  covered  the  ground  minutely  but  has 
frequently  retraced  his  steps,  though  modest- 
ly refraining  from  mentioning  the  fact  in  his 
daily  communiques. 

2.  All  other  guide-books  to  Paris  exhibit 
a  certain  sameness,  arising  from  the  fact 
that  they  are  written  by  tourists  who  started 
out  for  Paris  and  got  there.     Col.  Hohen- 
zollern's book,  on  the  contrary,  has  all  the 

iii 


TRANSLATOR'S  PREFACE 

freshness  of  an  unspoiled  ideal.  It  breathes 
the  spirit  so  admirably  conveyed  in  the  fa- 
miliar Pomeranian  proverb,  "Not  yet  but 
soon."  Col.  Hohenzollern  does  not  burden 
the  reader  with  a  mass  of  superfluous  detail. 
Thus,  in  his  account  of  Paris  and  its  envi- 
rons, he  leaves  ever  so  much  to  the  imagina- 
tion. 

To  the  young  and  frivolous,  Col.  Hohen- 
zollern's  tours  may  seem  somewhat  leisurely. 
Let  them  go  their  way.  The  present  guide- 
book is  intended  for  those  to  whom  time  and 
expense  are  no  object. 

Such  travelers  will  be  more  than  amply 
repaid  for  the  moderate  price  of  this  vol- 
ume. Under  the  guidance  of  Col.  Hohen- 
zollern, who  is  himself  under  the  special 
guidance  of  Gott  (so  aptly  described  by  Mr. 
Treitschke  as  "the  Thos.  Cook  and  Son  of 
the  Imperial  German  family"),  the  tourist 
may  reasonably  expect  to  get  to  Paris  in 
time  for  the  International  Exposition  of 

J975»  perhaps. 

iv 


AUTHOR'S  INTRODUCTION 

BY 
COL.  W.  HOH£NZOW,E;RN. 

The  brief  notes  which  have  gone  to  the 
making  of  the  present  volume  were  not  orig- 
inally intended  for  the  public  eye.  They 
were  designed,  rather,  for  the  use  of  my 
successor  when  he  starts  out  on  his  own 
little  journey  to  Paris  in  1939,  for  my  grand- 
son in  1967,  for  my  great-grandson  in  1995, 
etc.  So  at  least  Ludendorff  argues,  but  I 
have  misgivings  now  and  then. 

These  impressions  wrere  jotted  down  at 
odd  times  and  under  conditions  highly 
unfavorable  to  literary  composition.  My 
earliest  memoranda  were  scribbled  at  night 
among  the  glowing  embers  of  Louvain. 
Again,  the  lamentations  of  the  Belgian 
women  as  they  faced  the  firing  squads  at 


AUTHOR'S  INTRODUCTION 

Dinant  will  explain  certain  infelicities  of 
style  for  which  I  beg  the  reader's  indulgence. 

Nevertheless,  as  the  work  grew  under  my 
hands,  I  became  convinced  that  there  was  a 
wider  audience  to  which  I  might  address  my- 
self. There  will  always  be  a  few  small  por- 
tions of  the  earth  outside  of  the  German 
Empire.  In  such  regions  little  imperialisms 
are  bound  to  arise.  Sooner  or  later  they  will 
experience  an  irresistible  desire  to  go  tour- 
ing in  their  neighbor's  territory.  As  in  my 
own  case,  the  passion  for  foreign  travel  will 
be  intensified  by  the  desire  to  escape  from 
domestic  worries — socialists,  ballot  reforms, 
tax-riots,  maximilianhardens,  und  so  welter. 

Within  its  modest  limits,  the  present  vol- 
ume aims  to  cover  the  entire  subject  of  a 
foreign  tour  undertaken  for  self-defense,  for 
Gott,  and  for  new  coal  fields.  It  offers  a 
comprehensive  account  of  all  the  problems 
that  are  likely  to  arise,  from  the  publica- 
tion of  the  first  edition  of  the  White  Book 
to  the  signing  of  a  strong  peace. 
vi 


AUTHOR'S  INTRODUCTION 

Inasmuch  as  the  matters  dealt  with  are 
constantly  undergoing  alteration,  the  author 
would  highly  appreciate  any  corrections  or 
additions  with  which  travelers  may  favor 
him.  For  instance,  at  the  moment  of  writ- 
ing, he  would  welcome  any  information  as 
to  what  has  become  of  the  drive  for  Ypres, 
and  where  in  the  dickens  that  Amiens  army 
of  mine  will  spend  the  winter. 


VII 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 

PAGE 

TRANSLATOR'S  PREFACE iii 

AUTHOR'S  INTRODUCTION v 

PRACTICAL  HINTS 3 

ROUTES  TO  PARIS: 
ROUTE  i.    From  Liege  to  Paris  by  Way  of 

the  Marne,  the  Was,  and  the  Ain't  .  .  .15 
Excursion  A.  View  of  a  Decadent  Nation  .  23 
ROUTE  2.  To  Paris  by  Way  of  Japan, 

Mexico,  and  the  U.  S.  A 25 

Excursion  B.    Holy  Willie's  Prayer    .     .     .35 
ROUTE  3.    To  Calais  and  Paris  by  Way  of 

Ypres  and  Poison  Gas 37 

ROUTE   4.    To   Paris  by  Way  of  Galicia, 

Warsaw,  and  Sukhomlinoff 41 

ROUTE  5.    To  Paris  by  Way  of  the  Lusitania    44 
ROUTE  6.    To  Paris  by  Way  of  the  Kolossal 
Kavern,    also    known    as    the    German 

Mind 47 

ROUTE  7.    To  Paris  by  Way  of  Verdun  and 

the  Krown  Prince  1 8-hour  Flivver  ...  54 
ROUTE  8.  To  Paris  by  Way  of  Brest- 

Litovsk  (Trotzky  Hot  Air  Line)  ...  60 
Excursion  C.  Marching  Through  Russia  .  66 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 

ROUTES  TO  PARIS — continued:  PAGE 

ROUTE  9.    To  Paris  by  Way  of  the  75-Mile 

Gun 68 

ROUTE  10.    To  Paris  by  Zeppelin,  Albatross, 

Gotha,  Fokker,  etc 68 

ROUTE  ii.    To  Paris  by  the  P.  P.  P.  P. 

(Peace  Pigeon  Parcel  Post) 68 

ROUTE  12.     To  Paris  by  Way  of  Amiens  and 

Then  Somme 69 

Excursion  D.    A  Christian  Carol  ....  73 

ROUTE  13.    To  Paris  by  Way  of  Gott       .     .  75 

CHRONOLOGY 79 

INDEX 81 

MAP  OF  THE  GERMAN  MIND  .     .     .     .     .     .49 

TOWN  PLANS: 

Paris 5 

London 18 

Washington,  D.  C 32 

Calais -39 

Verdun 57 

Moscow 71 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS 
TOWARDS  PARIS 


PRACTICAL  HINTS 

Traveling  Expenses. 

The  cost  of  a  trip  to  Paris  from  the  Ger- 
man frontier  has  risen  tremendously  since 
1870,  with  no  corresponding  increase  in 
comfort;  the  contrary  rather.  Two  million 
dead  and  wounded  a  year  is  a  fair  estimate. 
A  safe  way  is  to  decide  in  advance  how 
much  one  is  willing  to  spend,  and  then  mul- 
tiply by  one  hundred. 

In  general  we  may  say  that  if  one  chooses 
to  travel  by  express,  to  put  up  only  at  first- 
class  fortresses,  and  to  consume  four  solid 
formations  a  day,  one  must  be  prepared  to 
pay  accordingly.  The  French  have  a  shrewd 
eye  for  business  and  they  exact  an  unreason- 
able price  for  what  they  render. 

As  usual  in  Continental  travel,  family 
touring  is  more  expensive  than  traveling 

3 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

en  gargon.  Left  to  themselves,  Hindenburg 
or  Mackensen  can  manage  on  comparatively 
little.  But  whenever  any  members  of  the 
family  are  around,  like  the  present  writer  at 
Nancy  in  September,  1914,  or  the  Krown 
Prince  at  Verdun  in  1916,  the  expenditures 
mount  prodigiously  (200,000  to  500,000 
casualties). 

Extras  in  the  form  of  tips  and  gratuities 
are  unavoidable,  and  where  first-class  serv- 
ice is  demanded,  they  come  high.  A  Bolo 
Pasha  may  well  run  up  into  the  millions. 
Bernstorff's  tips  in  the  U.  S.  A.  (one  of  the 
detours  to  Paris  we  shall  describe)  kept  my 
minister  of  finance  ceaselessly  picking  at  the 
counterpane,  as  we  say  down  in  Silesia. 

Other  incidentals,  such  as  broken  treaties, 
lies  (both  Kuhlmann  and  preferred),  and 
riot  and  starvation  at  home,  need  not  be  em- 
phasized, since  they  involve  no  particular 
strain  on  the  truly  Imperialist  conscience. 


PARIS 

(NOTE:  The  author  not  having  had  the  advan- 
tage of  studying  the  topography  of  Paris  on  the 
spot,  the  map  below  shows  Paris  as  it  ought  to  be 
rather  than  as  it  is.) 


Half-way  between  the  Imperial  Equestrian  Statue 
and  the  Gross-und-net-Admiral  von  Tirpitz  Foun- 
tain is  the  restaurant  with  the  cold  Imperial  victuals 
that  have  been  waiting  since  September  2,  1914. 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Climate. 

The  salubrity  of  the  French  climate  has 
been  greatly  exaggerated.  Nor  is  there  any 
distinction  to  be  drawn  between  high  and 
low  altitudes.  I  have  found  the  heights  of 
Vimy  and  the  swamps  of  St.  Gond  equally 
trying.  Violent  fluctuations  of  temperature 
must  be  expected  in  the  river  valleys;  like- 
wise in  the  uplands,  the  forests,  the  brick- 
yards, the  slag-heaps  and  the  ruined  chapels. 
On  the  Marne,  September  5,  1914,  the  tem- 
perature changed  abruptly  from  fair  and 
warmer  in  the  morning  to  violent  chills  and 
fever  at  night. 

Reading. 

Inasmuch  as  no  literature  is  sold  on  the 
trains  after  departure,  it  is  well  for  the  tour- 
ist to  lay  in  a  stock  in  advance;  especially 
as  blockades  and  other  tedious  delays  are 
very  frequent  on  the  Nach  Paris  line.  Out 
of  a  virtually  inexhaustible  list  of  light  fic- 
tion, we  cite  a  few  titles : 

6 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

"The  German  White  Book,"  with  notes 
omitted  by  Von  Jagow  and  telegrams  sup- 
pressed by  Bethmann-Hollweg. 

Same,  extra-illustrated  edition,  by  Lich- 
nowsky. 

"Murderous  Belgium,"  By  the  Ninety- 
three  Professors. 

"Lusitania  Shells."  By  Ernst  Haeckel 
and  other  leading  humorists. 

"Ten  Thousand  Reasons  Why  We  Should 
Love  Prussia."  By  Charles  Hapsburg. 

Language. 

The  modern  French  tongue  is  a  corrupt 
form  of  an  old  Germanic  dialect,  having 
broken  away  from  the  Gothic  typography  in 
an  insane  desire  to  make  itself  legible.  It 
lacks  those  fine  grammatical  distinctions  of 
the  German  tongue  which  enable  one  to  say, 
"The  moon,  he  is  in  the  sky,"  or  "The  young 
lady,  it  is  playing  the  piano ;  and  a  very  fine 
piano  he  is." 

Nevertheless  the  Germanic  traces  in  the 
7 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

modern  French  are  very  perceptible;  as, 
"oui,  oui"  from  "wie  geht's" ;  "donnez-moi" 
from  "donnerwetter" ;  "liberte"  from  "leber- 
wurst" ;  "egalite"  from  the  familiar  German 
expression  "Das  ist  mir  egal";  "fraternite" 
from  "Franziskaner-brau." 

The  French  have  appropriated  bodily  such 
good  old  Teuton  words  as  "cafe,"  "adieu," 
"au  revoir,"  and  "merci."  The  names  of 
their  great  writers  betray  a  Germanic  origin, 
as  Montaigne-Manteuffel,  Corneille-Kuhnle, 
Moliere  -  Muller,  Racine  -  Rosen,  Sainte- 
Beuve-Seydlitz,  Hugo-Ugo,  and  Anatole 
France-Anatol  Deutsch.  The  French  into- 
nation is  pitched  disagreeably  high ;  like  the 
people  which  make  use  of  it,  it  is  virtually 
impossible  to  keep  it  down. 

Railways,  Tickets,  Baggage,  Etc. 

The  railways  leading  to  Paris  are  com- 
fortable and  well  equipped,  as  far  as  they 
go.  The  terminal  facilities,  however,  are 
very  poor,  The  French  army  refuses  to 

8 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

guarantee  any  connections  and  time-tables 
are  subject  to  change  without  notice.  Ger- 
man excursionists,  therefore,  would  do  well, 
in  planning  their  itineraries,  to  allow  for 
delays.  Thus,  for  the  regulation  trip  of 
three  weeks  from  Cologne  to  Paris,  a  mar- 
gin of  ten  or  twelve  years  is  not  excessive. 

Night  travel  is  much  to  be  preferred 
owing  to  the  aeroplane  signal-system  em- 
ployed by  the  French  and  the  carelessness 
of  their  aviators,  who  are  addicted  to  drop- 
ping things  on  the  locomotive. 

Food  is  not  sold  on  the  train  but  may 
easily  be  obtained  from  the  nearest  peasant 
house  in  exchange  for  a  few  incendiary 
bombs  and  a  couple  of  firing  platoons.  Beer 
(French  un  bock,,  recently  changed  to  un 
boche)  is  of  poor  quality,  and  should  be  used 
only  when  no  private  wine-cellars  are  avail- 
able. 

The  so-called  trains  de  luxe  are  not  to  be 
recommended.  They  have  speed  without 
control,  and  derailments  are  frequent.  This 

9 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

is  particularly  true  of  the  Metz-Verdun 
1 8-hour  Krown  Prince  Flivver  (popularly 
known  as  the  Rough  Diamond  Express),  the 
Von  Kluck  Katapult,  and  the  Picardy 
Plunger.  The  French  railway  administra- 
tion allows  no  rebates  for  failure  to  arrive 
at  destination. 

Fares,  as  intimated,  in  our  Introduction, 
are  extremely  high.  The  details  will  be 
found  further  on  in  this  volume  under  the 
separate  Routes.  The  French  army,  con- 
trary to  the  usual  custom,  refuses  to  sell 
through  tickets  and  insists  on  collecting 
fares  while  the  train  is  under  way. 

Return  or  circular  tickets  are  obtained 
without  difficulty  in  advance.  The  Author 
has  made  use  of  a  circular  ticket  during  the 
last  four  years  and  it  still  has  an  indefinite 
time  to  run.  They  are  to  be  had  in  all  combi- 
nations :  Liege-Marne-Aisne-Liege-Berlin ; 
Metz-Douaumont-Mort  Homme-Metz-Ber- 
lin;  Cologne  -  Brussels  -  Lille  -  Brussels-Co- 
logne-Berlin, etc. 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Baggage-checking  facilities  in  France  are 
unsurpassed.  Some  of  the  principal  check- 
ing stations  are  La  Fere  Champenoise, 
Verdun,  Ypres,  Amiens,  etc.  Here  the  well- 
known  French  courtesy  shows  itself  at  its 
best.  The  French,  with  their  associates,  the 
British,  Belgians,  Americans,  etc.,  are  only 
too  happy  to  turn  out  day  or  night  to  accom- 
modate any  Imperial  tourist  who  is  in  a 
hurry. 

Hotels,  Amusements,  Shops,  Etc. 

All  the  hotels  and  chateaux  to  which  the 
tourist  is  likely  to  have  access  are  run  on  the 
German  plan.  That  is  to  say,  the  traveler 
will  begin  by  smashing  the  mirrors  and  pic- 
tures, quartering  his  horse  in  the  salon,  and 
putting  his  boots  into  the  bed  or  on  top  of 
the  piano,  according  to  taste. 

The  somewhat  monotonous  scheme  of 
French  interior  decoration  may  be  relieved 
by  breaking  open  trunks  of  feminine  apparel 

ii 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

and  festooning  the  contents  around  the  chan- 
deliers. 

French  landlords,  whether  in  hotels  or 
chateaux,  show  little  inclination  to  interfere 
with  the  collection  of  souvenirs,  always  one 
of  the  most  delightful  accompaniments  of  a 
trip  abroad.  Ormolu  clocks,  Sevres  vases, 
family  portraits,  ivory  crucifixes,  and  simi- 
lar bibelots  are  to  be  had  in  profusion.  The 
exceptionally  enterprising  tourist,  especially 
if  he  is  of  sufficient  standing  at  General 
Headquarters  to  command  the  services  of  a 
couple  of  motor  vans,  should  find  it  quite 
possible  to  secure  a  Louis  XVI  sideboard  or 
a  grand  piano  or  two. 

What  careful  study  and  application  may 
accomplish  in  this  respect  is  already  shown 
in  the  unrivaled  Kronprinz-Friedrich  Wilhelm- 
Porzelan  -  Wanduhr  -  und  -  Badewanne  -  Samme- 
lung  (Krown  Prince  Friedrich  William  Por- 
celain-Wall Clock-and-Bathtub  Collection) 
at  Berlin.  Tourists  compelled  to  evacuate 
their  hotel  rooms  in  a  hurry  will  of  course 
12 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

see  to  it  that  they  remain  unfit  for  human 
(that  is,  for  French)  habitation. 

AMUSEMENTS,  SHOPPING,  etc.,  must  neces- 
sarily be  decided  by  the  taste  of  the  traveler. 
It  is  enough  to  say  that  the  facilities  are  un- 
rivaled. Tourists  of  an  antiquarian  turn  of 
mind  will  avail  themselves  of  the  existing 
ruins  for  which  northern  France  is  famous 
or  will  make  their  own.  People  of  athletic 
tastes  will  find  in  the  orchards  of  fair  France 
unexcelled  opportunities  for  tree-chopping. 
To  those  of  more  frivolous  bent  there  are 
certain  conquerors'  privileges  which  will  not 
be  specified. 

Preparations  for  Trip. 

No  hard  and  fast  rule  can  be  laid  down 
for  the  length  of  time  to  be  spent  in  prepa- 
ration for  an  excursion  from  Berlin  to  Paris. 
From  the  author's  own  experience  it  is  obvi- 
ous that  forty- three  years  are  not  enough. 
But  circumstances  may  change. 

In  the  way  of  mental  preparation — study 
13 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

of  foreign  languages,  history,  customs,  etc. 
— the  German  tourist  has  peculiar  advan- 
tages over  every  other  traveler.  Since  the 
German  language  is  the  only  civilized  lan- 
guage, German  Kultur  is  the  only  Kultur 
worth  mentioning,  and  German  history  re- 
veals the  will  of  Gott  working  itself  out  in 
the  most  perfect  medium,  the  German  abroad 
has  nothing  to  learn. 

We  would,  however,  make  one  exception, 
in  recommending  the  tourist  to  brush  up  his 
knowledge  of  architecture,  and  especially  of 
Gothic  architecture,  in  which  Northern 
France  is  so  rich.  In  the  author's  own  expe- 
rience, hundreds  of  thousands  of  42-cen- 
timeter shells  have  been  wasted  by  German 
tourists  who  have  directed  their  attention  to 
modern  commercial  buildings  and  passed 
over  the  rarest  thirteenth  century  examples. 


ROUTE  i. 

From  Liege  to  Paris  by  Way  of  the  Marne, 
the  Was,  and  the  Ain't. 

Two  hundred  and  seventy-five  miles  in  3  years, 
10  months,  15  days.  Fare,  750,000  dead,  1,500,000 
wounded.  Connection  (not  guaranteed)  at  St. 
Quentin  with  the  Von  Billow  Accommodation 
from  the  Ardennes  and  thence  to  Rheims  where 
connection  (extra  hazardous)  with  the  Krown 
Prince  Special  (Rough  Diamond  Express)  from 
Sedan  and  Argonne. 


Liege  (the  ancient  German 
a  city  of  175,000  inhabitants  before  the 
arrival  of  the  German  tourist  and  25,000 
after,  is  picturesquely  situated  on  the  steep 
west  bank  of  the  river  Meuse  (the  ancient 
German  MEASLES).  It  is  or  was  the  seat 
of  a  cathedral,  a  university,  and  a  foundling 
asylum,  all  within  easy  cannon  range  from 
the  opposite  shore.  After  the  first  few  days' 

15 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

bombardment  there  is  nothing  more  to  in- 
terest the  visitor. 

Departing  from  the  station  on  the  left 
bank,  we  make  our  way  through  the  lovely 
valley  of  the  Meuse.  The  scenery  on  the 
left  or  Brandenburg  Grenadier  bank  is  even 
more  pleasing  than  on  the  right,  or  Bavarian 
Ersatz  bank.  With  brief  stops  for  fusillades 
of  women  and  priests  at  Huy  and  Andenne, 
we  arrive  at 

Namur  (the  ancient  German  NACH MIT- 
TAG),  a  flourishing  city  at  the  confluence  of 
the  Meuse  and  the  Sambre  (the  ancient  Ger- 
man SOMBRERO),  which  immediately  ceases 
to  flourish.  Here  the  Belgian  checking  fa- 
cilities prove  insufficient  to  delay  the  tourist. 
By  the  light  of  burning  villages  we  glide 
along  the  banks  of  the  Sambre  to 

Charleroi,  a  city  lying  in  the  heart  of  a 
great  coal-basin  and  thus  destined  by  Gott 
for  the  delight  and  profit  of  German  vaca- 
tionists. Here  for  the  first  time  we  come  into 
contact  with  the  French  checking  system, 

16 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

which,  however,  has  not  yet  got  into  perfect 
working  order  and  involves  only  a  single 
day's  stop-over. 

The  line  now  turns  south  into  French  ter- 
ritory and  we  move  rapidly  through  a  pleas- 
ant country  criss-crossed  with  poplars  which 
might  well  repay  hewing  down,  and  studded 
with  white  church  steeples  which  would 
make  excellent  targets  but  for  the  prohib- 
itive cost  of  high  explosives.  Here  one  may 
choose  the  main  road  through  Maubeuge 
(the  ancient  German  MOPS)  or  the  branch 
road  by  way  of  Mons  (abbreviated  from  the 
German  MONSIEUR),  leading  either  to  Le 
Cateau  (Ger.  CASTEUJJM)  or  Guise  (Ger. 
GESUNDHEIT). 

At  both  points  the  checking  system  once 
more  is  applied,  with  greater  though  not  yet 
perfect  efficiency;  in  the  one  case  by  the 
English,  originally  a  Germanic  tribe  from 
the  mouth  of  the  river  Elbe,  whence  Albion, 
under  the  guidance  of  one  John  French 
(Johann  Franz),  and  in  the  other  case  by 


LONDON 

(NOTE:  The  author  not  having  had  the  advantage 
of  studying  the  topography  of  London  on  the  spot, 
the  map  below  shows  London  as  it  ought  to  be 
rather  than  as  it  is.) 


Gr 

_J 
ermeisLer]-fantr3l 

and 


Gross  •  vnd-ntr~  Admiral 
von  Tlrpitj.  Fo, 


^m§ 

I 1    i n 

& 


feldmarschall-und'lnfantcfti  :- 
Central- Delivery  von — « 

H/'ncfenburj 


n 


Close  to  the  Haupt-Quartiermeister-General  von 
Ludendorff  Bridge  is  the  famous  inn  of  the  Cheshire 
Cheese,  the  favorite  resort  of  the  celebrated  lexi- 
cographer Samuel  Johnson,  whose  fondness  for 
words  like  "honorificabilitudinity"  clearly  betrays 
his  Germanic  origin. 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

the  natives  rallying  around  Josef  Schauffer, 
frequently  but  erroneously  referred  to  as 
Joseph  Joffre,  of  whom  we  here  catch  our 
first  instructive  glimpse. 

*  *  *  Josef  Schauffer  (Joffre),  one  of  the  most 
remarkable  features  of  French  landscape  scenery, 
will  repay  close  study  by  the  foreign  tourist.  As 
the  name  indicates,  he  is  of  German  descent  with 
just  a  dash  of  the  debilitating  French  blood.  He 
entered  the  army  at  an  early  age,  and  developed 
his  strategic  ideas  entirely  on  the  model  of  those 
great  Teuton  military  thinkers,  Moltke,  Clause- 
witz  and  Napoleon  (Ger.  Apfelstrudel,  though 
some  writers  prefer  Apollinaris). 

This  Schauffer  is  about  5  feet  10  inches  in 
height  and,  according  to  our  best  German  au- 
thorities, about  twice  as  wide.  (See  Von  Kluck, 
"Indian  Summer  on  the  Marne,"  six  volumes, 
printed  for  private  distribution.)  The  first  im- 
pression of  Schauffer  is  of  a  man  of  retiring  dis- 
position, but  after  the  first  five  weeks,  he  reveals 
an  impressive  gift  for  repartee  which  is  charac- 
teristically Teuton.  This  much  is  certain :  that  his 
name  will  remain  indelibly  impressed  on  the 
memory  of  the  German  tourist. 

From  Le  Cateau  and  Guise  we  continue 
to  follow  the  main  line  past  St.  Quentin  and 
19 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Compiegne  to  Senlis  within  less  than  thirty 
miles  from  Paris.  Here  the  line  veers 
abruptly  to  the  southeast  and,  judging  from 
the  Berlin  official  communiques,  enters  a 
series  of  long  tunnels. 

As  the  train  emerges  from  the  last  of 
these  into  the  valley  of  the  Marne,  there 
bursts  upon  the  eyes  of  the  deeply  impressed 
visitor 

*  *  *  An  Extensive  View  of  the  French 
and  English  Army. 

The  numerous  features  of  what  is  unde- 
niably the  climax  of  our  journey  can  be  indi- 
cated only  in  the  briefest  form  within  the 
limits  of  the  present  volume.  The  tourist 
may  be  referred  for  a  much  more  extensive 
account  of  this  interesting  phenomenon  to 
the  Author's  "Junketings  with  Joffre,"  47 
volumes,  with  introduction,  appendix  and 
alibi,  Berlin,  1914-1987. 

Beginning  at  the  extreme  west,  at  the 
junction  of  the  Marne  (Ger.  MARINIRT)  and 
the  Ourcq  (Ger.  UGH  !),  we  note  the  impres- 

20 


sive  Stone  Wall  of  Manoury,  or  more  cor- 
rectly Mannheimer,  reported  to  have  been 
built  in  a  single  night  out  of  rough  blocks 
brought  from  Paris  in  taxicabs. 

Further  to  the  east  the  eye  lights  upon  the 
so-called  John  French  (Johann  Franz),  no 
longer  avoiding  the  attention  of  the  pursuing 
tourist,  but  now  engaged  in  an  operation 
technically  described  as  reverse  English. 

Beyond  that  lies  the  Franchet  d'Esperey 
barrier,  passing  which  we  come  to  the 
marshes  of  St.  Gond  surmounted  by  the  re- 
markable combination  of  quicksand  and  cliff 
known  to  German  students  as  Ferdinand 
Fuchs,  popularly  but  erroneously  referred  to 
as  Foch. 

*  *  *  Ferdinand  Fuchs  (Foch)  is  a  frequent 
phenomenon  along  the  roads  of  northern  France 
and  as  such  will  repay  study.  It  not  only  occurs 
on  the  Marne,  but  is  encountered  in  great 
strength  along  the  Yser,  in  Artois,  in  front  of 
Amiens,  and  latterly  along  the  entire  terrain 
from  the  North  Sea  to  the  Adriatic. 

The  celebrated  quarter-miler  Ludendorff  in  his 

31 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

volume  of  reminiscences  entitled  "Foot-Races 
with  Foch,"  now  in  course  of  publication,  aptly 
characterizes  Foch  as  "the  Union  Terminal  for 
all  German  tourist  traffic  in  France."  Beyond 
Foch  the  roads  are  closed  for  repairs. 

Here,  therefore,  the  traveler  will  disem- 
bark and  follow  the  direction  indicated  in 
a  sign  pointing  north  with  the  legend  "This 
way  out."  He  will  take  his  seat  without 
loss  of  time  in  one  of  the  long  line  of  specials 
under  the  direction  of  Dispatchers  Schauf- 
fer  and  Fuchs.  A  swift  run  of  fifty  miles 
through  familiar  country  brings  him  to  the 
rivers  Oise  (German,  WAS)  and  Aisne 
(German,  AIN'T). 


EXCURSION  A 

View  of  a  Decadent  Nation. 

"French  troops  began  to  intervene  on  March 
23  in  the  battle  now  being  fought  on  the  British 
front."— Official  Dispatch. 

Hold  there,  Tommy !  They  come,  Petain's  odorif- 
erous life  guards, 

Slouching  with  rifle  and  bomb  and  a  varied  as- 
sortment of  blankets, 

Tinware,  onions  and  stews,  and  the  smile  that 
ne'er  failed  them  at  Verdun. 

France  from  her  white-bled  veins  still  squeezes  a 
cup  for  transfusion. 

Hold  there,  Haig  you  !  They  come !  Their  sauce- 
pans gleam  like  the  helmets 

Of  Roland,  Joan,  Bayard — and  a  minimum  quota 
of  cannon. 

Three  hundred  miles  of  front,  a  half-hundred 
more  hardly  matters. 

France  once  more  is  at  work  spiking  the  Hinden- 
burg  schedule. 

Belgium  called  and  they  came,  this  feeble  folk 

from  the  boulevards, 
Frog-eaters  sadly  addicted  to  peg-top  trousers 

and  absinthe, 

23 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Came  in  their  paper-soled  boots  and  leaped  at  the 

Kaiser's  machine  guns, 
Caught  the  blow  full  in  the  face  and  reeled  back 

to  Marne  and  to  glory. 

Servia  called,  and  they  came :  "On  the  banks  of 

the  Struma  our  soldiers" — 
"Our  troops  in  the  bend  of  the  Cerna" — "In  the 

Salonica  sector  our  soldiers " 

Spaded  and  festered  and  fought  and  smoked  their 

notorious  tobacco, 
Wond'ring  what  it  all  was  about,  but  alors,  40  va 

ires  bien,  n'est-ce  pas? 

Italy  called  and  they  came:  "Our  regiments 
marching  through  Brescia " 

"On  the  heights  of  Asiago  our  troops "  Oh, 

tight-lipped  anonymous  poet, 

Your  day  and  your  night  communiques — pro- 
nounced as  we  do  it  in  Kansas 

Show  down-and-out  Frenchmen  just  raising  Sam 
Hill  in  the  Mediterranean. 

Stand  there,  Britain!    She  comes — France  of  the 

scant  forty  millions, 
Done  for  three  years  ago,  white-bled  by  Hinden- 

burg's  schedule, 
France  of  the  Lafayette  touch   gives  still  one 

more  twist  to  her  life  veins, 
Sounds   the   call   of   Verdun    and   leaps— Hold, 

Haig!    She  is  coming! 

24 


ROUTE  2. 

To  Paris  by  Way  of  Japan,  Mexico,  and  the 
U.  S.  A. 

This  is  known  as  the  Z.  Z.  Line  (Zimmer- 
mann  Zip  Express).  Distances,  duration,  fares, 
etc.,  can  be  estimated  only  in  the  roughest 
way,  as  the  route  is  still  imperfectly  charted, 
with  numerous  gaps  which  must  be  covered  on 
mule  back  or  by  the  Swedish  diplomatic  pouch. 

Our  journey  starts  from  Yokohama  (the 
ancient  German  JUNKERHEIM),  the  princi- 
pal port  of  Japan.  Just  how  the  German 
traveler  may  get  to  Yokohama  is  described  in 
our  seventeen-volume  guide  book,  "How  to 
Be  Happy  with  the  British  Fleet." 

Leaping  lightly  from  Yokohama,  the  Ger- 
man tourist,  at  the  head  of  a  Japanese  army 
of  two  million  men,  effects  a  comfortable 
landing  on  the  west  coast  of  Mexico,  where 
25 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

he  is  joined  by  an  army  of  equal  strength 
under  the  command  of  Venustiano  Carranza 
on  Mondays,  Wednesdays  and  Fridays,  and 
of  Pancho  Villa  on  Tuesdays  and  Saturdays, 
unless  detained  by  death  or  moving-picture 
contracts  elsewhere.  Thursdays  and  Sun- 
days are  the  Mexican  army's  days  out. 

Heading  due  north  along  the  magnificent 
macadam  roads  that  cross  the  Sierra  Madre, 
the  tourist  traverses  the  luxuriant  cactus 
groves  of  Sonora  watered  by  the  silvery  cur- 
rent of  the  majestic  Juxtlahuacoatlajara- 
quetzlanapanhuatl  (the  ancient  German 
town  of  KATZEN JAMMER).  Behind  us  tow- 
ers the  snow-covered  Mount  Orizaba  (18,250 
feet),  one  of  the  tallest  points  on  the  North 
American  continent  and  surpassed  only  by 
some  of  Count  BernstorfFs  best  efforts. 

As  we  advance  we  catch  glimpses,  on  our 
right,  of  the  Mexican  army  pouring  carbolic 
acid  into  the  food  kettles  of  their  Japanese 
allies,  and  on  our  left  the  Japanese  army 
honing  their  razors  on  the  Mexican  allies. 
26 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Shortly  before  dawn  we  pull  into  the  rail- 
way station  at  Juarez,  its  magnificent  marble 
colonnade  toned  to  a  rich  yellow  by  the  smoke 
from  the  tall  chimneys  of  the  Special  Dis- 
patch Works  at  El  Paso  across  the  Rio 
Grande. 

The  passage  of  the  river  having  been 
easily  effected,  the  road  leads  across  the  roll- 
ing plains  of  Texas.  The  inhabitants  are 
almost  entirely  of  pure  Mexican  blood,  wear- 
ing the  characteristic  national  costume  of  a 
black  frock  coat  and  white  string  tie.  They 
are  bitterly  hostile  to  the  American  flag, 
partly  because  of  their  Mexican  race  pride, 
and  partly  because  only  seven  out  of  a  total 
of  nine  members  in  the  American  Cabinet 
hail  from  this  part  of  the  country. 

By  closing  his  left  eye  and  putting  the 
palm  of  his  hand  over  the  right,  the  tourist 
may  perceive  millions  of  these  Texicans — to 
give  them  their  proper  name — marching  with 
rifles  for  an  attack  on  New  York.  They  are 
brigaded  with  Japanese  and  Mexicans  under 
27 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

the  chief  command  of  Don  Pedro  Alvarez 
Y  Fujiwara. 

Further  north  we  encounter  strong  ree'n- 
forcements  from  New  Mexico  (the  ancient 
German  NEU  MECKLENBURG),  Arizona 
(EHRENBREITSTEIN)  and  the  southern  part 
of  Utah,  the  last  composed  of  Mormon  bat- 
talions bearing  a  banner  with  the  motto 
E  Pluribus  Unum. 

There  follows  an  uninterrupted  run  of 
several  hundred  miles,  characterized  by  the 
most  perfect  harmony  among  the  Allies  as 
a  result  of  the  unsurpassable  Harvey  Meals. 
Tourists  of  literary  inclinations  may  choose 
to  stop  off  for  a  moment  at  Hannibal,  Mo., 
the  birthplace  of  Mark  Zwei,  famous  for  his 
discovery  of  the  dative  case  in  the  German 
language.  From  this  point  the  route  is  along 
the  banks  of  the  Mississippi  (the  ancient 
German  MESOPOTAMIA),  until  the  presence 
of  a  strong  odor  of  hops  and  malt  in  the  air 
informs  us  that  we  are  approaching 

St.  Louis  (The  ancient  German  LOOIE),  a 
28 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

first-class  fortress  and  entrenched  camp. 
The  city  has  a  population  of  687,029,  of 
whom  3,235,786  have  both  parents  born  in 
Germany,  7,897,453  have  a  German-born 
father  or  mother,  3,453,987  are  of  native 
parentage  on  both  sides  but,  like  the  others, 
smoke  Turkish  Muftis  and  read  the  Satur- 
day Evening  Post,  and  24  are  of  the  belief 
that  the  Browns  will  finish  in  the  first  divi- 
sion. 

St.  Louis  lies  low  on  the  banks  of  the  Mis- 
sissippi while  the  American  Security  League 
calls  it  names.  Between  whiles  it  sends  vol- 
unteers into  the  American  army  and  navy 
and  buys  Liberty  Bonds.  The  last,  how- 
ever, has  been  explained  as  an  ingenious 
scheme  to  corner  the  Liberty  Bond  market 
and,  by  leaving  nothing  for  the  rest  of  the 
country  to  buy,  to  sap  the  national  morale. 

On  the  other  side  of  the  river  lies  East  St. 
Louis,   inhabited  by  a  pioneer   population 
addicted  to  hunting  negro  women  and  chil- 
dren through  the  streets  with  firearms. 
29 


"LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS" 

From  St.  Louis  the  tourist  may  take  one 
of  several  routes.  By  proceeding  in  a  gen- 
eral northward  direction  we  reach,  after  an 
uneventful  run  of  several  hours,  a  stimu- 
lating city,  over  whose  Town  Hall  waves  a 
red  flag  with  the  motto  "Guess  Again."  In 
other  words, 

Milwaukee,  the  largest  city  in  the  state 
of  Wisconsin  (the  ancient  German  WAS- 
KANN-ES-SEIN).  Its  principal  industry,  as 
indicated  by  the  town  motto,  is  keeping  news- 
paper editors  awake  nights  wondering  what 
will  happen  next.  Owing  its  original  fame 
to  a  fermented  product  of  world-wide  repu- 
tation, Milwaukee  has  persisted  in  ferment- 
ing ever  since.  It  votes  for  Socialists  (the 
ancient  German  Social-Demokraten)  and 
buys  Liberty  Bonds. 

Milwaukee  has  been  under  a  Socialist  ad- 
ministration for  several  years  and  persists  in 
not  going  to  the  devil.  Its  soldiers  were 
among  the  first  American  casualties  in  the 
30 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

present  war.  Its  favorite  resort  for  light 
amusement  is  the  La  Follette-Berger. 

Leaving  Milwaukee  with  a  slight  head- 
ache, the  tourist  pursues  his  way  along  the 
shores  of  Lake  Michigan,  flashes  through 
Chicago  and  spends  an  afternoon  at  Gary, 
Ind.,  famous  as  the  original  home  of  the 
football  play  known  to  all  educationalists  as 
the  Gary  Double  Shift  (as  opposed  to  the 
Hylan  Fling).  Cutting  south  through  the 
state  of  Indiana,  we  traverse  a  flat  prairie 
country  broken  only  by  primary  contests  and 
election  indictments,  and  crossing  into  Ohio 
(the  ancient  German  WEI-HAI-WEI)  we 
enter,  as  night  falls,  the  city  of 

Cincinnati  (the  ancient  German  CINCIN- 
NATUH  ) .  The  tourist  can  tell  that  it  is  night 
and  not  day  by  the  fact  that  the  porter 
announces  the  last  call  for  dinner.  If  he 
announced  the  first  call  for  breakfast  it 
would  be  day  in  Cincinnati.  Otherwise  there 
is  no  telling.  The  leading  hotels  have  facil- 


WASHINGTON,  D.  C. 

(NOTE  :  The  author  not  having  had  the  advantage 
of  studying  the  topography  of  Washington  on  the 
spot,  the  map  below  shows  Washington  as  it  ought 
to  be  rather  than  as  it  is.) 


feldmarschall-unet-lnfantcrti  \- 


The  admirable  simplicity  of  Washington's  street 
plan  is  due  to  the  fact  that  the  city  was  originally 
laid  out  by  a  German  architect,  Peter  Karl  Kinder- 
lein,  erroneously  referred  to  in  the  text  books  as 
Pierre  Charles  L'Enfant. 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

ities  for  washing  shirts  and  collars  at  short 
notice. 

From  Cincinnati  there  is  a  network  of  rail- 
ways extending  all  over  the  eastern  United 
States.  For  the  attainment  of  his  objective 
the  traveler  may  take  the  Franz  Rintelen 
German-Nickel-Plate,  or  the  Dr.  Heinrich 
Albert  Accordeon  Portfolio,  or  the  Papen 
Underground,  or  any  other  of  the  Subsidi- 
aries of  the  K.  K.  &  K.  (Kaiser,  Kultur  and 
Kamouflage)  System. 

All  these  routes,  however,  after  passing 
through  an  extensive  variety  of  scenery, 
ultimately  converge,  and  the  Teuton  tourist, 
\vith  an  extraordinary  assortment  of  emo- 
tions, descends  in  the  capacious  union  termi- 
nal of 

Atlanta  (the  ancient  German  TANTALUS), 
a  city  with  a  considerable  German  popula- 
tion, largely  concentrated  within  the  pre- 
cincts of  the  U.  S.  Federal  Penitentiary,  a 
modern  institution  with  unrivaled  facilities 
for  the  encouragement  of  sober  second 
33 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

thought.  Here  the  tourist  makes  the  ac- 
quaintance of  the  famous  southern  exposure 
and  the  equally  celebrated  southern  hospital- 
ity. 

From  this  point  the  only  practicable  way 
to  Paris  is  either  by  wireless  or  telepathy. 


34 


EXCURSION  B. 
Holy  Willie's  Prayer 

(The  author  wishes  to  express  his  obligation  to 
the  late  Robert  Burns,  of  Alloway,  near  Ayr, 
Scotland,  for  all  of  the  title  and  some  of  the  meter 
of  the  following  inspired  lines.) 

Thou,  Gott,  zum  Grossen  Haupt-Quartier, 
Whose  flaming  sword,  I  greatly  fear, 
Is  giving  signs  of  wear  and  tear 

(See  late  dispatches), 
Despite  Bapaume  and  Armentieres 

New  trouble  hatches. 

Peruse,  oh  Gott,  without  delay, 
The  weather  maps  from  U.  S.  A. 
With  winter  wheat  from  day  to  day 

Booming  and  swelling. 
A  billion  bushels  on  the  way — 

Hear  Hoover  yelling. 

Pour  forth  thy  wrath  on  Abilene, 

Its  long  hot  days  with  rain  between, 

Or  hurl  thy  blast  on  Moorhead,  Minn., 

Temp,  above  normal. 
Not  like  my  crops  from  the  Ukraine, 

More  or  less  formal. 

35 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Let  fall  thy  bolt  on  Keokuk, 
Its  isotherms  in  best  of  luck, 
Its  barometric  pressures  cluck — 

Clucking  and  chortling, 
Much  livelier,  Gott,  than  that  lame  duck 

Von  Hertling. 

Send  forth  thy  blast  on  Tatoosh,  Wash., 
Where  Packards  o'er  the  landscape  dash 
And  Steinways  sell  for  ready  cash; 

Wheat  at  two-twenty! 
On  Penn  Yan  let  thy  anger  crash, 

Crash  good  and  plenty. 

What  Teuton  skill  wrought  on  the  Somme, 
Wreak  thou,  oh  Gott,  on  Yankee  scum, 
On  orchard,  meadow,  clay,  and  loam, 

Ashes  and  chaff  spray. 
Or  Ludendorff  will  pack  thee  home 

Retired  on  half  pay! 

S.  S. 


ROUTE  3. 

To  Calais  and  Paris  by  way  of  Ypres  and 
Poison  Gas. 

Fourteen  miles  to  Ypres  from  Roulers  Junc- 
tion where  connection  is  made  for  Liege 
(See  Route  i).  Time,  3  years,  10  months. 
Fares:  Prussian  Guard  Rocket,  100,000  dead 
and  corresponding  wounded;  Crown  Prince 
Rupprecht  Slow  Freight,  400,000  dead;  Von 
Arnim  Sunset  Limited,  200,000  dead  and  several 
attacks  of  near-apoplexy  in  editorial  offices  of 
Count  Reventlow. 

Ypres  is  the  ancient  German  WIPERS, 
whence  the  famous  line  by  the  Bavarian 
poet,  Tony  Weller  the  elder,  "Ah,  you  gen- 
eration of  Wipers!"  Other  writers  claim 
that  Ypres  is  the  original  Germanic  form 
and  quote  a  famous  epigram  in  the  Lower 
Suabian  dialect  by  an  ancestor  of  the  present 
Gen.  Von  Arnim,  "Ypres  moi,  le  deluge." 

The  city  has  been  for  the  last  four  years 
37 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

the  favorite  destination  for  short-trip  com- 
muters from  Germany.  The  line,  however, 
does  not  approach  closer  than  two  miles  to 
the  town,  and  the  walking,  even  for  com- 
muters, has  hitherto  been  found  impracti- 
cable. Ypres  lies  almost  entirely  under- 
ground. The  climate  is  salubrious  for  the 
army  which  has  the  wind  at  its  back,  owing 
to  the  prevalence  of  gas  in  the  atmosphere. 

By  this  time  the  city  is  utterly  devoid  of 
monuments,  other  than  the  magnificent 
memory  of  devotion  and  sacrifice  displayed 
by  its  occupants  since  October,  1914,  the 
Germanic  tribe  of  Anglo-Saxons  whose 
home  (as  already  noted)  was  originally  on 
the  lower  Elbe,  but  who  are  now  mostly  dom- 
iciled in  the  island  of  Blighty  (the  ancient 
Germanic  BUJTWURST).  It  is  of  the  early 
inhabitants  of  this  island  that  a  Bishop  of 
Rome  once  remarked  "Not  angels  but 
Englishmen,"  a  description  of  which  they 
are  still  inordinately  proud. 

The  run  from  Roulers  to  the  environs  of 
38 


CALAIS 

(NOTE:  The  author  not  having  had  the  advantage 
of  studying  the  topography  of  Calais  on  the  spot, 
the  map  below  shows  Calais  as  it  ought  to  be  rather 
than  as  it  is.) 


feldmarschall 
General- Delivery  vorr—l 

Hinc/enburj 
Museum     r~~\ 

n 


As  the  half-way  station  between  London  and 
Paris,  the  town  of  Calais  naturally  has  taken  on 
something  of  the  aspect  of  both  cities,  a  resemblance 
that  will  not  escape  the  discerning  reader. 


39 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Ypres  is  short  but  eventful.  The  first  half 
of  the  journey  is  made  at  night.  Somewhere 
between  Passchendaele  and  Hollebeke  the 
line  divides  and  the  odor  of  gas  is  preva- 
lent. The  tourist,  according  to  instructions, 
moves  forward  either  through  a  hilly  re- 
gion densely  covered  with  hydrochlorate- 
permanganese  ichthyolotuolsciatica  (HO3 
ZWC^VeSrCODaFtFiF!  SOS2),  or  across 
lowlands  drenched  in  Prussarsenicarbonated- 
sundsesulphurettediogenes  (known  in  the 
trade  as  Ypres  blue). 

Both  roads  come  to  a  stop,  as  indicated, 
outside  the  suburbs  of  Ypres  and  the 
commuter  immediately  starts  back  in  the 
direction  of  Germany.  The  General  Staff 
thereupon  announces  that  all  objectives  have 
been  attained  and  instructs  the  High  Keeper 
of  the  Peace  Dove  to  release  the  bird  for  a 
scouting  trip. 

Thirty  miles  beyond  Ypres  lies  Calais  (the 
ancient  German  KELLY),  reported  to  be  a 
very  interesting  bathing  resort. 
40 


ROUTE  4. 

To  Paris  by  Way  of  Galicia,  Warsaw  and 
Sukhomlinoff. 

Twenty-four  thousand,  six  hundred  and  twen- 
ty-five miles,  of  which  250  miles  (Warsaw) 
in  2  years,  I  month,  5  days.  Fares  (fair- 
ly reasonable),  il/>  million  Germans;  inci- 
dental tips,  etc., =3  million  Austrians.  The  jour- 
ney is  all  the  way  by  the  Trans-Consonantal 
Road  (the  Bzzwqurt,  JJrxpop,  &  Grvbglug  R.  R.) 
pronounced  the  most  trying  roadbed  in  the  world 
but  really  much  more  satisfactory  than  the  much 
vaunted  trains  de  luxe  of  northern  France  and 
Belgium. 

We  begin  our  journey  on  the  shores  of 
the  river  Dunajec  in  Galicia  at 

Sukhomlinoff  (the  ancient  German  SCUM), 
a  railroad  center  of  the  first  rank,  though  it 
does  not  yet  appear  on  the  maps.  It  was 
founded  some  time  in  1914  and  named  after 
the  Minister  of  War  in  the  cabinet  of  Nich- 
olas II,  Emperor  of  All  the  Russias  (Emer- 
itus). 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

To  this  Sukhomlinoff,  as  Minister  of 
War,  naturally  fell  the  task  of  regulating 
foreign  tourist  traffic  into  the  interior  of 
Russia.  Of  the  vast  sums  of  money  placed 
at  his  disposal  for  this  purpose,  the  greater 
part  was  not  spent  on  the  well  established 
devices  for  regulating  tourist  traffic,  such  as 
Siberian  Riflemen,  Cossacks,  artillery,  aero- 
planes, boots,  and  black  rye  bread  (famil- 
iarly known  as  the  Super-Hoover  loaf). 
Sukhomlinoff  diverted  these  funds  to  cer- 
tain favorite  units  of  his  own,  notably  the 
Ballet  Ladies'  Own,  the  Night  Watch,  the 
Champagne  Chasseurs,  and  the  Black  and 
Red  Wheel  Corps. 

As  a  result  the  tourist's  road  into  the  heart 
of  Russia  is  enormously  facilitated.  Shortly 
after  leaving  the  station  at  Sukhomlinoff  we 
encounter  half  a  million  Russians  without 
food,  clothes,  guns  or  powder.  The  for- 
eigner is  still  much  of  a  curiosity  to  the 
primitive  Slavs.  Instead  of  evading  the 
onrushing  locomotive,  they  swarm  upon  the 
42 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

train,  kick  with  their  bare  toes  against  ma- 
chine guns,  tear  with  their  fists  at  barb-wire, 
and  indulge  in  similar  excesses,  which,  how- 
ever, are  more  of  a  nuisance  than  a  danger. 

Having  cleared  the  track  of  such  obstruc- 
tions, the  train  moves  rapidly  forward,  stop- 
ping now  and  then  at  wayside  stations  to 
drop  a  consignment  of  much-needed  vowels, 
and  passing  through  Przemysl  (the  ancient 
German  SCHLEMIHI,)  and  Lemberg  (the 
ancient  German  is  obvious),  we  arrive, 
after  a  fast  run  up  the  river  Vistula,  at 

Warsaw,  where  the  tourist  is  received  by 
rejoicing  crowds  of  Poles  raising  the  historic 
cry  Finis  Polandiae! 

At  Warsaw,  the  tourist  debarks,  unfolds 
his  map,  traces  the  remaining  24,400  miles 
to  Paris  by  way  of  Vladivostok,  San  Fran- 
cisco and  Hoboken,  and  decides  to  stop  for 
a  while  and  think  it  over.  This  process  takes 
1 8  months.  (Special  rates  at  pensions  for 
the  whole  period.) 


43 


ROUTE  5. 
To  Paris  by  Way  of  the  Lusitania. 

The  Tirpitz  Short  Line  via  the  half-way  house 
of  madness  and  abomination.  An  ancient  and 
well-patronized  route,  e.  g.,  Herod,  the  Borgias, 
Ivan  of  Russia,  Marquis  de  Sade,  Mme.  de  Biin- 
villiers,  Dr.  Crippen,  and  other  experts  in  Kultur 
bacteria.  Time,  3  years,  5  weeks.  Immediate 
costs:  nothing  save  honor  and  the  execration  of 
mankind.  Ultimate  costs,  see  below. 

The  tourist  embarks  at  Wilhelmshaven  or 
Zeebrugge,  having  provided  himself  with 
warm  clothes,  a  copy  of  Kant's  Categorical 
Imperative,  and  the  tenderer  songs  of  Schu- 
bert and  Schumann  to  while  away  the  tedi- 
ous underwater  journey  to  the  Irish  coast. 

Rising  to  the  surface  off  Kinsale,  the  trav- 
eler gives  only  a  moment's  glance  towards 
shore,  then  turns  his  attention  to  the  stirring 
(herzerfreudige)  sight  of  a  noble  steamer 
44 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

bounding  forward  over  the  waves  (uber  die 
Wellen  walsend).  The  experienced  travel- 
er, however,  will  not  let  himself  be  deceived 
by  appearances.  Drawing  from  his  pocket 
the  Bernstorff-Zimmermann  patent  X-Ray 
Telephotograph  Detector,  specially  devised 
for  such  emergencies,  he  will  train  it  on 
the  great  ship  and  immediately  detect  the 
presence  on  board  of  large  stores  of  explo- 
sives. 

For  ordinary  purposes  this  examination 
should  be  enough.  The  truly  conscientious 
traveler,  however,  will  not  be  content  with  a 
superficial  view.  He  will  wait  until  the  pres- 
ence of  a  large  number  of  women  and  chil- 
dren on  board  ship  is  ascertained. 

Thereupon,  reciting  a  few  appropriate 
lines  from  the  immortal  Goethe,  the  tourist 
will  take  appropriate  action,  pause  a  mo- 
ment to  observe  results,  and  submerge. 

From  that  point  the  sea  route  to  Paris 
lies  under  water  by  way  of  the  Ancona  (Ger. 
ANGENEHM),  the  Persia  (Ger.  BORUSSIA), 
45 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

and  the  Sussex  (Ger.  SwEST  SAXONS),  until 
the  traveler,  carried  on  at  express  speed, 
suddenly  comes  to  a  halt,  emerges,  and  dis- 
covers, high  on  the  horizon, 

*  *  *  America  (the  ancient  German  Ko- 
ivOOMBiAH),  lying  straight  across  the  road  to 
Paris ;  area,  3,743,308  square  miles ;  popula- 
tion, 110,000,000;  annual  income,  $150,000,- 
000,000;  potential  military  strength,  15,000,- 
ooo  men;  wheat  crop,  one  billion  bushels. 
Having  carefully  scanned  these  figures,  the 
German  tourist  to  Paris  by  the  Lusitania 
route  will  don  his  cork  jacket  and  cancel  his 
ticket  in  favor  of  some  other  route. 


ROUTE  6. 

Excursion  to  Kolossal  Kavern,  also  known  as 
the  German  Mind. 

The  Lusitania  route  will  be  found  by  the 
traveler  to  be  shortest  and  clearest  approach 
to  what  is  probably  the  most  extraordinary 
natural  phenomenon  in  captivity,  namely  the 
Kolossal  Kavern,  better  known  as  the  Ger- 
man Mind,  and  properly  regarded  as  one 
of  the  Seven  Great  Blunders  of  the  World.  The 
exploration  of  this  extraordinary  subterranean 
labyrinth,  while  fascinating,  is  not  devoid  of 
peril.  Once  inside  there  is  no  guarantee  that  the 
traveler  will  find  his  way  to  the  upper  air  again, 
at  least  in  his  previous  state  of  mental  health. 

The  trip,  therefore,  is  not  to  be  recommended 
for  invalids,  or  tourists  with  dependent  wife  and 
children  under  18  years  of  age  and  not  filing 
separate  returns  under  Form  XiO56. 

The  Kolossal  Kavern  is  really  a  congeries 

of  halls,  domes,  pits,  avenues,  lakes,  rivers, 

waterfalls,  boiling  Kaisers,  and  inkspouts, 

scooped  out  in  the  soft  German  soil  by  the 

47 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

action    of    generations    of    hard    Prussian 
thought,  goose-step  by  goose-step. 

The  entrance  into  the  Kavern  is  through 
the  principal  door  of  the  University  of 
Berlin  and  affiliated  institutions  under  the 
authority  of  the  Prussian  Minister  of  Edu- 
cation. 

On  entering,  the  visitor  is  required  to  put 
on  a  pair  of  ordinary  horse's  blinders  which 
permit  vision  only  in  a  straight  line  and  to 
put  himself  in  charge  of  an  official  guide. 
Almost  immediately  we  find  ourselves  in  a 
great  Rotunda  known  as  the  Will-to-Believe 
from  which  all  the  paths  into  the  German 
Mind  diverge  (not  to  be  confused  with  Will 
Hohenzollern  or  Will  o'  the  Wisp). 

From  the  ROTUNDA  a  short  climb  brings 
us  to  the  Dome  of  the  Ninety-three  Profes- 
sors, beautifully  decorated  with  a  frieze  of 
crystals  depicting  the  invasion  of  Silesia  by 
the  Belgian  army,  the  execution  of  German 
women  and  children,  and  the  destruction  of 
Cologne  Cathedral. 

48 


Map  of  the  German  Mind 


49 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

From  this  point  we  proceed  by  the  Haeckel 
Corkscrew  and  the  Treitschke  Twist  to  the 
shores  of  Tirpitz  See  or  Lake,  inhabited  by 
a  species  of  shark  which  feeds,  strictly  in 
self-defense,  upon  the  eyeless  minnows 
which  abound  in  these  waters.  Pausing  a 
moment  to  call  up  the  picture  of  the  gentle 
old  man  whose  flowing  whiskers  have  turned 
white  trying  to  figure  out  how  several  boat- 
loads of  women  managed  to  get  away  from 
the  Lusitania,  we  proceed  in  the  direction  of 
what  is  undoubtedly  the  chief  marvel  of  the 
Kolossal  Kavern,  namely  the  Teuton  Temple 
of  Absolute  Truth,  of  which  the  post  of  Cus- 
todian is  held  by  the  editor  of  the  Nord- 
deutsche  Allgemeine  Zeitung. 

One  may  approach  the  Temple  of  Truth 
by  several  routes.  One  way  lies  by  the  Hegel 
Gallery,  which  at  intervals  expands  into 
large  obscure  chambers  such  as  the  Here 
(das  Hier),  the  There  (das  Dort)  and  the 
Neither-Here-nor-There  (das  Bethmann- 
Holhveg}. 

50 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

An  alternative  route  of  about  the  same 
length  and  attractiveness  leads  through  the 
Immanuel  Kant  Alley,  which  crosses  a  num- 
ber of  chasms  on  rope  bridges,  variously 
called  the  To-Be  (das  Sein),  the  Not-to-be 
(das  Nichtsein)  and  the  Has-Been  (das 
Czernin).  It  then  skirts  the  precipice  of 
Ordinary  Truth,  over  which  dashes  a  much- 
remarked  waterfall  known  as  Lichnowsky's 
Leap,  and  arrives  at  the  entrance  to  the 
Temple. 

For  the  more  active  traveler  who  is  not 
averse  to  a  bit  of  rough  work,  there  is  a 
short  cut  known  as  the  Wolff  Bureau. 

The  principal  feature  of  the  Temple  of 
Truth  is  a  great  central  chamber  illuminated 
by  policeman's  bull  eyes  and  over  the  marble 
doorway  to  which  is  inscribed  the  motto 
"Necessity  is  the  Mother  of  Invention." 
Within  are  statues  (carved  by  the  corrosive 
action  of  the  subterranean  waters  and  the 
moonshine)  of  all  the  great  inventors — 
Bethmann-Hollweg,  Zimmermann,  Hellfer- 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

ich,  Von  Jagow,  and  the  man  who  described 
the  results  of  the  battle  of  the  Marne  as  "the 
strategic  withdrawal  of  our  right  wing." 

For  the  ordinary  visitor  the  route  we  have 
outlined  may  suffice.  The  more  enterprising 
traveler  will  no  doubt  insist  on  pursuing  his 
explorations  into  the  inner  recesses  of  the 
German  Mind.  He  may  proceed  by  Von 
Papen's  Whirl,  leading  through  Dynamite 
Hall,  to  the  Hall  of  Perfect  Amity.  Or 
passing  the  Rintelen  Morass  and  the  Boy- 
Eddy  he  may  arrive  at  the  confluence  of 
German  Honor  and  Slush  Creek. 

Other  galleries  lead  to  the  Mausoleum  or 
Slav's  Folly.  Here,  owing  to  certain  peculi- 
arities of  air  refraction,  self-defense  is 
spelled  1-o-o-t,  and  no  annexations  means 
Odessa  and  Sebastopol. 

Thence  we  pass  a  desolate  waste  of 
charred  woods  and  orchards  known  as 
Kaiser  William  Land,  from  its  strong  resem- 
blance to  northern  France.  Across  the  waste 
trickles  the  Rivulet  of  Joyful  and  Grateful 
52 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Tears,  shed  by  said  monarch  at  the  thought 
of  Germany's  being  spared  the  sorrows 
inflicted  (by  some  person  or  persons  un- 
known) upon  unhappy  France. 

With  a  final  glance  at  the  Hall  of  Won- 
ders, representing  the  members  of  Main 
Committee  of  the  Reichstag  engaged  in  won- 
dering why  nobody  loves  them,  we  make  our 
way  out  of  the  Kolossal  Kavern  into  the  air 
of  the  open  day. 


53 


ROUTE  7 

To  Paris  by  Way  of  Verdun  and  the  Krown 
Prince  1 8-hour  Flivver. 

Eight  miles  forward  and  6  miles  back  in  five 
months.  Fare,  150,000  dead,  300,000  wounded 
and  prisoners,  I  Chief  of  the  General  Staff,  sev- 
eral heart-to-heart  talks  at  Potsdam. 

Starting  from,  the  general  neighborhood 
of  Metz  in  the  early  morning  of  of  February 
21,  the  train  goes  bowling  over  the  plain  of 
the  Woevre  in  the  direction  of  the  Heights 
of  the  Meuse. 

On  our  right  we  observe  the  Krown  Prince 
feverishly  calculating  the  number  of  clocks 
and  Sevres  vases  in  the  Louvre.  On  our  left 
we  observe  the  Pony  Ballet  of  Prussian  Pro- 
fessors rehearsing  the  French  indemnity. 
Up  stage,  in  deep  center,  Wilhelm  II  is  pre- 
paring to  mount  his  horse  for  the  twenty- 
54 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

seventh  grand  entry  into  Somewhere  in 
France,  the  twenty-six  previous  perform- 
ances having  been  postponed  on  account  of 
wet  grounds.  Off  stage  we  catch  a  glimpse 
of  the  Hindenburg  Reserve,  grimly  reserving 
its  judgment  as  to  the  outcome  of  the  trip. 

Rushing  forward  through  space,  we  ar- 
rive in  the  afternoon  of  February  25,  at 
Douaumont  Junction,  having  covered  five 
miles  at  break-neck  speed  in  five  days.  En- 
tering a  tunnel — the  view  here  from  both 
sides  strongly  resembles  the  Berlin  attitude 
on  the  rights  of  small  nations — the  train 
suddenly  slows  up  at  the  flash  of  a  semaphore 
signal, 

"Us  ne  Passeront  Pas!"  (the  ancient  Ger- 
man VERBOTEN),  and  crawling  forward,  the 
conductor  walking  ahead,  it  emerges  at  the 
union  terminal  of 

P^tain  (the  ancient  German  PETERKIN), 
firmly  situated  on  the  Heights  of  the  Meuse 
and  built  out  of  the  rock  quarried  in  the  im- 
mediate vicinity.  In  the  two  and  a  half  years 

55 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

since  August  i,  1914,  Petain  underwent  a 
marvelous  expansion,  having  risen  from  the 
fourth,  or  Colonel,  class  to  first  or  command- 
er-in-chief  rank.  It  is  the  center  of  a  group 
of  flourishing  communities  notable  among 
which  we  may  name  Castelnau  (the  ancient 
German  NEU-KASS£L),  and  Nivelle  (the 
ancient  German  NIBEXUNG).  From  the  out- 
skirts of  Petain,  the  tourist,  before  changing 
cars,  may  catch  a  glimpse  of 

Verdun  (the  ancient  German  VERDAMMT), 
a  city  of  absolutely  no  consequence  when  one 
comes  to  think  of  it,  and  certainly  not  worth 
the  trouble  of  arguing  about  with  the  Petain 
Home  Guards.  Here,  therefore,  we  cross 
over  to  the  station  marked  Exit,  and  embark- 
ing on  the  Krown  Prince  Shuttle  Express, 
enter  the  tunnel  once  more  and  head  for 
Metz  and  points  east  and  north,  for  rest  and 
recuperation. 

On  March  2,  considerably  refreshed  by  a 
week's  study  of  German  explanations  how  it 
56 


VERDUN 

(NOTE  :  The  author  not  having  had  the  advantage 
of  studying  the  topography  of  Verdun  on  the  spot, 
the  map  below  shows  Verdun  as  it  ought  to  be 
rather  than  as  it  is.) 


1 "———//' 

Cross-  und-nel-- Admiral 

von  Tirpiti , 


kldmarschatl-i/nd" InfantcM*  \» 
General- Delivery  von — »  ' 

Hinofenburj        \         |  [  | 

Museum      r-] 


Porcelain  Collection 


n 


The  noble  monuments  shown  in  the  above  plan 
were  erected  by  the  Krown  Prince  on  the  occasion 
of  his  first,  second,  third,  fourth  and  fifth  triumph- 
al entry  into  Verdun,  respectively. 


57 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

all  happened,  we  set  out  once  more  in  the 
direction  of  Verdun,  which  on  further  con- 
sideration does  offer  considerable  interest  to 
the  traveler. 

This  time  we  make  our  way  by  the  Switch- 
back Accommodation  along  the  western  bank 
of  the  Meuse,  on  the  other  side  of  which  we 
enjoy  a  glimpse  of  the  Cote  de  Poivre  (Hill 
of  the  French  Pep).  By  March  14,  proceed- 
ing in  characteristic  national  fashion,  lang- 
sam  und  deutschlich,  we  arrive  at  the  out- 
skirts of  Mort  Homme  (FRENCH  MUSTARD). 

Descending  the  reverse  slope  we  find  that 
by  an  extraordinary  bit  of  municipal  enter- 
prise, the  Petain  Terminus  has  been  moved 
over  from  the  other  side  of  the  river. 

Returning  to  the  top  of  Mort  Homme  we 
catch  an  extensive  view  of  the  country  to 
the  south  which  confirms  the  earlier  impres- 
sion of  its  not  being  worth  bothering  about. 
We  then  set  out  for  the  return  journey  to 
Metz.  This  excursion  may  be  frequently 
58 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

repeated  in  the  course  of  the  next  five 
months,  but  the  prohibitive  costs  must  be 
balanced  against  the  educational  benefits  de- 
rived. 


59 


ROUTE  8 

To  Paris  by  Way  of  Brest-Litovsk  (Trotzky 
Hot  Air  Line). 

Five  hundred  thousand  square  miles  of  Russian 
territory  and  65,000,000  people  in  less  than  two 
months.  As  far  as  Brest-Litovsk  by  the  Good- 
Will  Flyer.  Beyond  Brest-Litovsk  by  the  vari- 
ous branches  of  the  Trotzky  Hot  Air  System. 
Fares:  I  Reichstag  anti-annexation  resolution 
canned ;  several  small  nationalities  irritated ;  18,- 
000,000  words  rapidly  uttered  by  Trotzky  and 
subsidiaries. 

From  Berlin  and  Vienna  to  Brest-Litovsk 
the  trip  is  made  in  leisurely  fashion  in  ac- 
cordance with  the  ancient  Hohenzollern  mot- 
to, "Make  haste  slowly"  (in  the  original 
Latin  "Festina  Leninte").  Stops  are  made 
at  Point  Czernin  where  ignition  trouble  is 
encountered,  and  at  Kuhlmann  Corners  for 
lubrication.  There  is  also  a  brief  halt  just 
outside  of  Brest-Litovsk  for  putting  the 
60 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Reichstag  formula  of  July  19  on  ice.  Here 
the  Hoffmann  Junker  Mogul  locomotive  is  at- 
tached for  the  final  sprint  into 

Brest-Litovsk  (the  ancient  German  BRONX- 
LITHIA),  a  famous  winter-resort  on  the  river 
Bug  (the  ancient  German  PROFESSOR)  and 
the  starting  point  for  all  military  picnics  in- 
to the  interior  of  Russia.  Numerous  hotels 
on  the  Mittel-European  plan.  Rooms  with 
salt-water  baths  from  Black  Sea,  Caspian 
Sea,  Gulf  of  Finland,  etc.,  free.  Boots  left 
outside  the  door  will  be  cleaned  by  Bolshe- 
viki,  whose  manners  are  not  above  reproach. 
Superfluous  baggage,  such  as  no  annexa- 
tions, no  indemnities,  self-determination,  etc., 
may  be  checked  with  the  furnace  man.  Any- 
thing else  the  visitor  sees  and  takes  a  fancy 
to  may  be  had  at  the  usual  Maximalist  rates, 
which  is  nothing. 

From  Brest-Litovsk  we  may  proceed  by 

the  celebrated  Vacation  Route  to  Riga,  the 

capital  of  Courland.    This  province  has  two 

million  inhabitants,  of  whom  the  vast  ma- 

61 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

jority,  to  the  number  of  10,000,  are  of  Ger- 
man origin.  The  native  Letts  constitute  an 
insignificant  minority  of  1,990,000  souls, 
chiefly  engaged  in  paying  taxes  to  the  Ger- 
man majority.  The  journey  is  without  inci- 
dent through  a  country  of  forests,  lakes  and 
depressed  Russians,  watching  the  passage  of 
the  train  with  mixed  feelings,  and  an  occa- 
sional hand-grenade. 

A  short  pause  until  the  Trotzky  engines 
have  taken  on  the  equivalent  of  several  vol- 
umes the  size  of  Webster's  Unabridged,  and 
the  journey  may  be  continued  with  the  same 
degree  of  comfort  to  Wenden,  the  capital  of 
Livonia,  a  thinly  inhabited  country  because 
of  the  absorption  of  nearly  all  the  food  by 
the  German  barons. 

Proceeding  thence  we  arrive  at  REVAL,  the 
capital  of  Esthonia,  with  its  famous  Uni- 
versity of  Dorpat  (the  ancient  German 
DOORMAT,  in  reference  to  the  independent 
spirit  of  its  professors).  While  passing 
through  the  forests,  the  traveler  is  advised 
62 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

not  to  stick  his  head  out  of  the  window  be- 
cause of  the  prevalence  of  the  Red  Sniper, 
a  difficult  bird  to  run  down,  though  his  mate 
and  young  may  be  captured  and  hung  with 
little  trouble. 

From  Reval  the  journey  may  be  continued 
across  the  ice  of  the  Gulf  of  Petrograd  to 
Helsingfors,  capital  of  Finland,  the  home  of 
an  excellent  race  of  general  houseworkers 
and  cooks  who  henceforth  are  to  be  reserved 
for  the  exclusive  service  of  Germany.  This 
journey,  formerly  so  arduous  because  of  the 
sturdy  and  independent  nature  of  the  Finns, 
has  been  enormously  facilitated  by  the  Trot- 
zky  ice-breakers  which  have  broken  the  ice 
for  the  German  tourist  and  by  setting  the 
inhabitants  of  Finland  to  shooting  each  other 
have  created  unlimited  hotel  accommoda- 
tions for  the  Teuton  visitor. 

A  short  run  from  Brest-Litovsk  across  the 
Pripet  marshes  (the  ancient  German  PHI- 
LOSOPHIC) brings  the  traveler  to  Vilna  (the 
ancient  German  WH,H£I,MINA),  capital  of 
63 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Lithuania,  a  self-determined  (ancient  Ger- 
man SUICIDE)  republic  handed  over  to  the 
Kaiser  for  safe-keeping  by  Trotzky,  who  im- 
mediately lost  the  receipt. 

But  undoubtedly  the  most  interesting  and 
instructive  tour  leading  out  of  Brest-Litovsk 
is  that  leading  into  the  Ukraine  (the  ancient 
German  EUCALYPTUS  ),  a  country  endowed 
with  a  triple-expansion  frontier,  extending  as 
the  circumstances  may  require  to  the  vicinity 
of  Pango-Pango  and  Seattle. 

The  Ukraine  is  the  richest  wheat-futures 
producing  region  on  earth,  the  expression 
"Ukrainian  grain"  in  Berlin  being  equiva- 
lent to  the  English  "with  a  grain  of  salt," 
also  known  as  little  Russian  wheat. 

With  a  Trotzky  pilot  engine  clearing  the 
way  the  German  tourist  has  a  smooth  run 
into 

Kiev  (the  ancient  German  KIAU-CHAU), 

a  busy  metropolis  where  life  is  just  one  Rada 

after  another.    Captured  by  the  Bolsheviki 

three  times  before  the  signing  of  peace  and 

64 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

seven  times  after,  the  inhabitants  of  Kiev 
rarely  move  from  one  assembly  district  into 
another  without  looking  up  in  the  papers 
whether  they  must  vote  for  the  Prussian  Diet 
or  the  Moscow  Soviet.  Through  all  the  tur- 
moil, however,  the  magnificent  Dnieper  has 
gone  its  own  way,  flowing  from  north  to 
south  in  disregard  of  whoever  is  in  charge 
of  the  railroad  station  and  the  telephone  ex- 
change. 

From  Kiev  there  are  numerous  delightful 
excursions  to  the  Crimea,  to  the  Volga,  as 
well  as  personally  conducted  tours  under 
Turkish  guides  to  Armenia,  second  only  in 
interest  to  the  Chicago  stock-yards. 

For  complete  details  on  touring  in  this 
region  by  the  Trotzky  system  write  for  the 
23-volume  booklet,  "Through  Russia  on 
Nothing  a  Day."  Cable  address  "Trotz- 
bronx." 


EXCURSION  C 

Marching  Through  Russia. 

Grab  your  trusty  bugle,  Fritz,  and  sound  the 

good  old  strain. 
Sing  a  song  of  self-defense,  and  give  it  to  them 

plain. 
Strike  the  tune  we  put  across  at  Rheims  and  at 

Louvain, 
As  we  go  marching  through  Esthonia. 

Nun  hoch!  Und  hoch!  With  Gott  and  TNT.! 
Nun  hoch!     Und  hoch!     Our  flag  so  proud  am 

Spree! 

Introducing  bashful  Slavs  to  Kultur's  A.  B.  C., 
As  we  go  marching  through  Courland. 

Hear  the  dirty  mujik  growl  and  hear  the  women 

cry, 
Hear   the   tow-heads   in   their   cribs    cheer   our 

goose-step  high, 
See  the  priests  kowtowing  in  the  house  of  our 

Ally, 
While  we  go  marching  through  Little  Russia. 

Nun  hoch,  etc. 
66 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

"Hoffmann's  gentle  Junker  boys  will  never  be  so 

rude." 

So  the  pretty  Trotzky  said,  "If  only  I  am  good." 
Kiihlmann  wiped  a  tear  away  and  said  he  under- 
stood, 
So  we  go  marching  to  Petrograd. 

Nun  hoch,  etc. 

See   the   Bolsheviki   bolt   and   see    the   Shoviets 

shove, 

Sadly  misinterpreting  our  Prussian  ways  of  love, 
Shrinking  from  the  Liege   lamb  and  from  the 

Dinant  dove, 
As  we  go  marching  to  the  Urals. 

Nicht  wahrf    Ach  fa!    Behold  our  gallant  band, 
Now  here,  now  there,  defensively  we  stand, 
Building  with  our  swords  a  wall  for  that  dear  Fath- 
erland, 

As  we  go  marching  to  Vladivostok,  Walla  Walla, 
Hohokus  and  points  east. 


ROUTED  To  Paris  by 
Way  of  the  75-Mile  Gun. 

ROUTE  10.  To  Paris 
by  Zeppelin,  Albatross, 
Gotha,  Fokker,  etc., 

ROUTE  ii.  To  Paris 
by  the  P.  P.  P.  P.  (Peace 
Pigeon  Parcel  Post). 


See  ROUTE  13 
i-  "To    Paris    by 
way  of  Gott." 


68 


ROUTE  12 
To  Paris  by  Way  of  Amiens  and  Then  Somme. 

One  hundred  miles  in  an  indefinite  number  of 
years  (circular  ticket  strongly  recommended). 
The  traveler  will  do  best  not  to  announce  his 
exact  destination  in  advance  so  as  not  to  dis- 
appoint the  folks  at  home  eagerly  waiting  for  pic- 
ture post-cards.  Commutation  for  two  months, 
500,000  dead  and  wounded  and  epidemic  of  paral- 
ysis of  vocal  chords  among  editors,  professors, 
etc.,  engaged  in  showing  how  everything  is  go- 
ing fine. 

From  St.  Quentin  (the  ancient  German 
TSING-TAU),  the  train  makes  its  way  at  ex- 
press speed  in  the  general  direction  of  west 
southwest  by  south.  The  important  stations 
of  Ham,  Peronne,  Bapaume,  Roye  and  Las- 
signy  are  quickly  passed.  The  traveler  is 
about  to  put  down  his  magazine  with  the 
fascinating  serial  "How  to  Learn  to  Think 
like  Goethe  for  TO  Cents  a  Week,"  prepara- 
69 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

tory  to  getting  one's  luggage  from  the  rack 
overhead,  when  there  is  a  sharp  grinding  of 
brakes  and  the  train  slows  up. 

The  conductor  now  appears  and  announces 
that  the  direct  road  by  way  of  Noyon  and 
Lassigny  is  blocked  by  a  wash-out  on  the 
line  (the  ancient  German  FOCH-OUT)  and 
that  passengers  will  change  for  Montdidier 
and  Amiens. 

We  climb  into  the  Von  Hutier  Local  and 
settle  down  for  a  quiet  run  to  the  famous 
capital  of  Picardy,  but  just  beyond  Mont- 
didier the  conductor  announces  a  second 
Foch-out  Another  hasty  change  of  cars 
and  we  are  switched  on  to  the  tracks  of  the 
Somme-Amiens  Interurban,  only  to  be 
brought  to  a  stop  within  a  dozen  miles  of 
Amiens  by  a  third  similar  accident. 

While  waiting  for  the  train  back  to  St. 
Quentin  and  a  fresh  start,  the  traveler  lets 
his  eye  roam  over  the  scene  and  recognizes, 
with  more  or  less  pleasure,  the  familiar 
French  landscape.  On  the  left  are  the  rug- 


MOSCOW 

(NOTE  :  The  author  not  having  had  the  advantage 
of  studying  the  topography  of  Moscow  on  the  spot, 
the  map  below  shows  Moscow  as  it  ought  to  be 
rather  than  as  it  is.) 


\ 1 1 7/ 

s-und-net-  Admiral 

VOfHrpH-x.  Founffiff 


General -Delivery  von—* 

Hirtc/fttburj       [       }  |        "i 


The  great  stretches  of  vacant  space  shown  in  the 
above  plan  were  formerly  occupied  by  public  build- 
ings of  various  kinds.  They  were  razed  in  order 
to  supply  Trotzky  with  plenty  of  room  for  gesticu- 
lation. 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

ged  ridges  of  Petain.  On  the  right  stretch 
the  winding  trenches  of  Petain.  Straight  in 
front  loom  the  forest  masses  of  Petain. 

Here  and  there,  however,  the  eye  detects 
new  features  in  the  landscape  which  a  closer 
observation  reveals  as  an  outcropping  of 
Yankees  (the  ancient  German  JUNKERS), 
dominated  by  Mt.  Pershing  (the  ancient 
German  PERSONA  NON  GRATA). 

In  the  distance  we  catch  a  glimpse  of  the 
dim  contours  of  Haig  Ridge,  with  its  sub- 
sidiary elevations,  Anzac  and  Canuck  (the 
ancient  German  KANGAROO  and  VIMY  KID). 

The  same  view  confronts  us  as  we  return 
to  St.  Quentin  and  set  out  for  Amiens  once 
more  by  way  of  Arras,  Hazebrouck  and 
Ypres,  so  that  the  effect  becomes  distinctly 
monotonous.  The  impression  is  intensified 
as  the  train  finally  pulls  in  at  Franco-British- 
American  -  Belgian  -  Portuguese  -  Australian  - 
Canadian-Union  Terminal. 


EXCURSION  D 

A  Christian  Carol 

"You  are  old,  Father  William,"  the  Krown 
Prince  remarked, 

"And  your  waist-line  shows  signs  of  distress; 
But  a  churchful  of  women  at  seventy  miles 

Is  a  very  good  score,  I  confess." 

"Four  years  back,  Friedrich  Wilhelm,"  the  Kaiser 
replied, 

"We  began  shooting  girls  by  the  lot; 
And  thus  by  sub-caliber  practice  grew  fit 

For  this  last  striking  tribute  to  Gott." 

"You  are  old,  Father  William,"  the  Krown 
Prince,  observed, 

"And  your  wind  is  not  all  it  might  be ; 
Yet  that  little  Slav  tango  you  did  at  Litovsk 

Was  a  joy  and  a  pleasure  to  see." 

"Four  years  back,"  said  the  monarch,  and  smiled 
on  his  heir, 

"I  took  up  paper  scraps  as  my  line  ; 
And  the  pieces  from  Belgium  just  made  up  a  nice 

Little  treaty  for  Mr.  Lenine." 

73 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

"You    are    old,    Father    William,"    the    Krown 
Prince  declared, 

"Or  at  least  you  are  well  in  your  prime; 
And  yet  you're  some  distance  away  from  Paree. 

Do  you  think  you  will  get  there  in  time?" 

"Now  that,"  sobbed  old  William,  "oh,  pride  of 
Verdun, 

Is  just  what  I  fear  from  the  map. 
Though  an  expert  at  scrapping  of  papers,  I'm  not 

Quite  up  to  the  Foch  kind  of  scrap." 


74 


ROUTE  13 
To  Paris  by  Way  of  Gott 

Owing  to  the  peculiar  nature  of  the  route  pur- 
sued, specifications  regarding  distance  and  time 
schedules  are  difficult. 

All  trains  on  this  route,  though  diverging 
more  or  less,  leave  from  the  same  station: 
Zum  Guten  Alten  Gott  (Telegraph  address, 
"Deutschgott-am-Spree").  Formerly  God 
was  the  starting  point  employed  by  nearly  all 
peoples  of  the  earth,  but  by  the  Imperial 
Trust  Law  of  187071  (Jehovah-Sequestra- 
tions-und-Monopol-Gesetz)  the  name  was 
changed  from  God  to  Gott,  and  the  facilities 
restricted  to  the  German  people  and  those 
acting  under  special  license  from  them,  as 
for  example,  the  Turks  in  Armenia. 

The  tourist,  having  decided  on  his  partic- 
ular route,  applies  to  the  managers  of  Gott- 

75 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

Zentral-Bahnhof  for  his  tickets,  called,  in 
German,  carte  blanche.  Strictly  speaking  all 
the  routes  heretofore  described  in  this  little 
book  fall  under  the  supervision  of  the  Gott 
Administration ;  notably  the  Lusitania  route 
managed  by  Von  Tirpitz  under  the  direct  su- 
pervision of  Gott.  We  shall  deal  here,  how- 
ever, with  such  routes  as  have  not  yet  been 
described. 

The  Zeppelin  and  Aeroplane  Bombing 
Route  (Gott  i A)  is  really  the  only  route  by 
which  the  tourist  may  obtain  a  close  view  of 
Paris,  even  though  it  be  only  a  bird-of- 
prey's-eye-view.  The  journey  is  almost  in- 
variably undertaken  by  night,  when  women 
and  children  are  in  the  habit  of  being  asleep 
in  Paris,  as  well  as  in  Dover  and  Kent  gen- 
erally. This  is  also  the  time  when  hospitals 
are  at  their  quietest  and  results  can  be  best 
observed. 

The  75-mile  gun  route  (Gott  X3)  offers 
the  tourist  less  satisfaction.  He  is  deprived 
of  the  pleasure  of  personal  contact  with  the 
76 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

inhabitants  of  Paris  and  the  effects  of  his 
trip  must  be  taken  more  for  granted.  Also, 
because  of  the  height  of  the  trajectory,  there 
is  a  slight  tendency  to  nausea. 

The  Peace  Pigeon  Parcel  Post  (Gott  B  B 
2)  is  to  be  recommended  when  all  other 
routes  are  unavoidable,  that  is  to  say,  when 
the  railway  routes  we  have  described  are 
blocked,  when  the  75-mile  guns  are  sent 
back  to  Essen  for  repairs,  when  the  Zep- 
pelins and  Gothas  are  out  of  fuel,  and  when 
in  general  the  communiques  say  that  on  the 
front  there  is  nothing  to  report.  At  such 
times,  while  the  German  tourist  population 
is  recuperating  for  new  victories  (and  new 
sacrifices)  the  Peace  Pigeon  route  may  prove 
useful. 

An  interesting  variety,  just  turned  out  by 
the  Krupps,  is  the  Tumbler  Peace  Pigeon 
(Gott  K  K  2),  which  appears  over  Paris  and 
other  places  in  the  form  of  a  Peace  Dove, 
but  somersaults  in  the  air,  and  lets  loose  an 
incendiary  bomb. 

77 


LITTLE  JOURNEYS  TOWARDS  PARIS 

As  to  the  cost  of  getting  to  Paris  by  way 
of  Gott  it  is  possible  to  frame  an  estimate 
only  on  the  basis  of  the  well-known  remark, 
"Vengeance  is  mine,  I  will  repay." 


CHRONOLOGY 
1914. 

August  i.  —  Tour  begins  —  Wilhelm's  heart  bleeds 

for  the  first  time  —  Belgians  prepare  to  mas- 

sacre unsuspecting  German  tourists. 
August  4.  —  Trip  halted  by  rail  trouble  at  Liege. 
August  5-21.  —  Firing  squad  excursions  through 

Belgium. 
August  22.  —  Documents  at  Brussels  confirm  Wil- 

helm's suspicions  that  he  was  right  all  along. 
August  28.  —  Wilhelm  wins  the  war,  first  time. 
September  5.  —  Wilhelm  prepares  to  win  the  war 

again  on  the  Marne. 
September  10.  —  Gott  breaks  down  on  the  Marne 

—  Excursion  to  the  Aisne. 
September    19.  —  Arrival    at    Przemysl  —  Visit   to 

dentist. 
November  15.  —  Second  visit  to  Ypres  —  Contemp- 

tible little  British  army  grows  positively  dis- 

gusting. 


May  i.  —  Wilhelm  wins  the  war  again  in  Galicia. 

—  Bread  ration  cut  at  Berlin. 
May  7.  —  Gott  redeems  himself  off  Kinsale  Head, 

Ireland. 
July  3.  —  Twenty-sixth  bi-weekly  aerial  ascension 

by  Ninety-Three  Professors. 
79 


CHRONOLOGY 

Nov.  10. — Wilhelm  wins  war  again  in  Servia — 

Potato  ration  cut  at  Berlin. 
1916. 
February  21. — Departure  for  Verdun — Wilhelm 

wins  war. 
February   25. — No    accommodations   at   Verdun 

under  new  Petain  management — Douaumont 

Switchback      inaugurated — Krown      Prince 

takes  up  golf. 

July  I. — Beginning  of  Somme  sweepstakes. 
October  15. — Wilhelm  wins  war  in  Rumania — 

Berlin  meat  rations  cut. 

1917. 

January   31. — U-boat   season   begins — Bernstorff 

buys  new  typewriter. 
March    15. — Nicholas    Romanoff    peruses    Help 

Wanted  columns. 
April  6. — Blodsinnige  Yankees  get  utterly  out  of 

hand  and  start  touring  on  their  own  account. 
April  43. — Terrible  anti-war  insurrection  in  New 

York  City. 
Dec.  24. — Trotzky  finishes  I7ist  paragraph  and 

thirteenth  stenographer. 

1918. 

March  21. — Wilhelm  wins  war  at  St.  Quentin. 
June  — . — Wilhelm  inquires  at  public  library  for 
reliable  descriptive  guide-book  to  Paris. 


80 


INDEX 

Aa  (river),  234. 

Abracadabra,  see  German  Professor. 
Apremont  (forest),  see  Abernit. 
Architecture,  Krupp,  2,  4,  6,  8,  10,  etc. 

Bernstorff,    von,    zu    and    aufwiedersehen ;    see 

Papen,  Boy-Ed,  Albert,  etc. 
Bissing,  von,  see  Bill  Sykes. 

Calais,  terminus  of  the  Ypres  No  Thoroughfare, 

2,  4,  6,  8,  10,  etc. 
Czernin,  see  Was. 

Foch,  see  all  over  the  place. 

Gott;  see  Wilhelm,  Armenia,  Krupp,  Lusitania, 
Zeppelin. 

Hapsburg,  see  Perhapsburg. 
Hindenburg: 

born,  98;  graduates  from  the  Misses  Jones's 
School  for  Girls,  121 ;  publishes  volume 
of  sonnets  in  free  verse,  432;  settles  in 
Greenwich  Village,  433;  removes  to 
Przsazsxnyzs,  453;  vacation  on  Somme, 
543;  reduces  weight  by  tree-chopping. 
Pi 


INDEX 

545;  predicts  victory  in  letter  to  Inter- 
national Federation  of  Wurst  Fabrica- 
tors, 654;  idem  to  Amalgamated  Dress- 
makers' Alumnae  of  Charlottenburg, 
675 ;  sells  superfluous  stock  of  iron  nails 
to  Vulcan  Shipyards,  1865;  takes  up 
miniature  painting,  4325. 

Joffre,  see  Moltke's  Disease. 

Krown  Prince: 

captures  Verdun,  478;  clock,  vase  and  bath- 
tub collection,  13;  heart-to-heart  talk 
with  father,  3,  5,  7,  9,  n,  etc.;  congratu- 
lates Liebknecht,  897;  enters  Paris,  8965. 

Ludendorff: 

predicts  ends  of  war  in  1918,  page  156;  by 
end  of  1919,  543;  end  of  1920,  876;  end 
of  1943,  page  976;  wins  Vossische  Zei- 
tung  beauty  contest,  198;  expresses  ad- 
miration for  Krown  Prince,  1133;  re- 
ceives degree  of  Doctor  of  Humanities 
from  University  of  Louvain,  839. 

Marne  (river),  see  Union  Terminal. 

Paris : 

Louvre,  838;  Invalides,  976;  Notre  Dame,  see 
Krupp;  Moulin  Rouge,  1097;  Paquin's, 
see  Fifth  Avenue;  Eiffel  Tower,  1187; 
82 


INDEX 

see  also  English  and  French  books  on 
the  subject  by  eye-witnesses. 

Pershing,  John  J. 

born  in  Missouri,  187;  dimensions  of  lower 
jaw,  196 ;  of  nose,  197 ;  color  of  eyes,  198 ; 
mustache,  199;  moves  to  a  farm  north- 
west of  Toul,  201 ;  pays  off  old  Lafay- 
ette debt,  passim. 

Tirpitz,  see  Good  Gray  Pirate. 

Trotzky : 

annexes  Brandenburg  and  Bavaria,  784; 
joins  Y.  M.  C.  A.,  876;  brings  tears  to 
eyes  of  Ludendorff,  253;  recommends 
Blump's  cough  drops  for  hoarse  throat, 
2,  4,  6,  etc.;  annexes  Berlin  and  Ham- 
burg, 850;  exhausts  Russian  vocabulary, 
2,  4,  6,  8,  etc.;  annexes  Vienna  and 
Constantinople,  537;  gets  seat  on  Bronx 
express,  5678. 

Verdun : 

receives  Krown  Prince  with  open  arms,  478 ; 
captured  from  the  east,  765;  captured 
from  the  west,  908 ;  captured  from  north, 
1109;  captured  from  south,  1235;  dream- 
picture  by  Krown  Prince,  see  Cubist. 

Wilhelm,  Emperor  and  King: 

favorite  recreation,  hunting,  109;  favorite 
hero,  Hunyadi,  187;  favorite  hymn,  Old 

83 


INDEX 

Hundred,  298;  favorite  secret  society, 
Hunchakists,  654;  favorite  motto, 
"Hunni  soit  qui  mal  y  pense,"  987;  fav- 
orite musical  piece,  Hungarian  Rape- 
sody,  1016;  favorite  city  Hunnolulu, 
1246;  favorite  fur,  huntrimmed  ermine, 
1911;  favorite  companion,  hunspeak- 
able  Turk,  2007;  favorite  architecture, 
Gothic  Remnants,  2346. 

Wilson,  Woodrow,  see  America. 


^BAfl^^M 


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unless  we  harked  back  to  f 

and  'Professor.'  ' 

The  Xc-ii'  York  Times  says: 
"A  book  delightful  —  and 

keen  intellectual  delight.    T 

Rekindled  Fires 

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Hope  Trueblood  B 

Edited  by  CASPAR  S.  YOST 

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